我是。。。

2011, our new family member

2011-04-11T23:46:00.000-07:00

This is my first post after a long long time. Please welcome my baby Nate.

39 weeks

2010-05-06T20:27:00.000-07:00

I am now 4 days to my Expected Delivery Date (EDD) which is on the 11th May. This morning i had my check up done at the hospital with another Doctor. So far the bb is doing very well, amniotic fluid level is good and everything seem fine except the bb refuse to come out.

Effacement is measure to 30% only according to the Doctor. The doctor suggested to put another Prostaglandin before going for drip since my cervix is still thick. It is a hormone-like substance, which helps stimulate uterine contractions. By inserting the tablet into the vaginal, it helps to ripe the cervix.

Hope for the best

The day 30th April 2010

2010-05-02T05:19:00.000-07:00

I thought this would be the good day for me and Nate, but i was wrong. Early in the morning, we were so exciting heading towards the hospital, to welcome our little prince to the beautiful world. The sky was bright and the rainbow was shinning above our head, what a good sign to us.

9.45am, started putting the first tablets outside the cervix ( it was still very thick at that time) to soften the cervix, to let it dilate. The sensation came within few minutes. I started to feel numb from my pelvic down to the legs. Then the contraction started gradually. It was getting stronger and after lunch,i walked around at 12 noon as Dr told to do so. It was pretty good to walked around rather than lying on my back. The pain started to come and i had my CTG test ( for bb heart beat and contraction) in the late evening. The result shown the bb was doing very well with the contraction, however the contraction was too mild and my cervix was still very thick blocking the bb. Dr asked me to walked more, and even asked me to go out for shopping :) Mid night, 12.30am, Dr visited me again, mild contraction, no dilate. So , i have to wait for another day, to put in another tablets to induce it again:( It was quite disappointed at that time because i have to suffer the same process like the whole day.

I did not sleep well the whole, it could be worried and pressure i guess. Dr came at 10.30am, put in another tablet. This time he can put inside the cervix because it was much softer now compared with the day before. The pain came very fast this time and it was much more stronger. I had my CTG test at 2pm, it took about an hour and i was really suffered lying there with the strong pain. Again, bb was doing well too this time, the contraction was higher than before. According to the Dr, this level of the contraction was between 2.5 to 3 with 4 is the highest. However, i still cant deliver yet as the cervix was strongly holding back. Dr asked me to walk more, this time, i did not enjoy walking anymore as the contraction was really pain I forced myself to walk, i wanted it to dilate faster.

8pm, Dr came to check the cervix again. We all were very disappointed as no changes happened. My tear came out and i tried to control it as much as i could. I was totally freak out and hopeless. I didn"t know what to do as Dr said tomorrow tried again, putting the drip. What if, not successful again? We suggested to the Dr, we want to give up the process as physically and emotionally, we were both exhausted.

The 3rd days, early morning CTG tested, no contraction. Dr allowed us to discharge. We were both a bit down because the bb wasnt out yet and we need to monitor his movement very closely to make sure he is doing fine inside.

I thanks God for the strength given to us, I thanks for the family members' s support, I thanks for my hubby, for his care, love and company. I love you so much Low Gong.

Let's hope for the best , in someday, when he is ready

失望

2010-04-28T03:48:00.000-07:00

究竟是怎麼一回事，讓我那麼的脆落
想哭就哭了出來，眼淚也不停的流
因為寂寞，所以害怕，因為等待，所以有期待
我不是要求高，只是因為你說你會早回來
我等待
你不明白，我的期待
你不明白，我需要愛和關懷

人變得越來越沒有安全感
等他出來以後，我就會有寄託
那你呢？你會在哪？
人是會向東向西的，這是因為沒有安全感
是你的錯，還是我的過分要求

如果人生要這樣的走下去
我想，你應該有別的選擇
我已被淘汰

37 weeks

2010-04-19T21:02:00.000-07:00

Today is 20th April 2010, exactly to 37 weeks of pregnancy. As it is consider full term now, i can due anytime from now. Therefore the counting days has begun.

I am still worried about the position of the baby. He seems to be very active in the womb, moving from up side down along the day. I don't know whether i will end up setting a day for C sec or experiencing contraction then admit to the hospital. How will it be? Cant wait to know.

Transverse lie @ 32 weeks

2010-03-22T19:44:00.000-07:00

An article was saying this " when a baby appears to be in the transverse position, that this symbolizes the baby’s comfort and desire to be close to their mother’s heart. While this is a sweet notion, when it comes to birth, the transverse position is problematic for a desired vaginal birth"

I was told by my OG Dr" he likes to stay in this position very much" where by it is exactly what the article said about. However, the Dr did not advise me to do anything to encourage the little one to turn. His advice is, wait and see for 4 more weeks. Being a very physical base working mother, i am so determine to go for natural birth. Therefore, i do a lot of searching in the internet, to look for the best thing i could do or help the baby to turn.

I learned some techques from websites, such as Inversion, breech tilt, open knee chest. I don't know whether it is safe for me to perform all these but i think i will try since i do not have any chronic conditions like asthma, or breathing problem.

At the same time, I found this statement "less than 20% of the babies who are transverse at 37 weeks will remain transverse when labor begins, so another option is to wait for labor to start and attempt to turn the baby or perform a cesarean if it is still necessary". I know i cant wait.All the best to me!

A song that encourange to breast feeding

2010-03-21T20:14:00.000-07:00

My bonnie is over the ocean melody

Breast feeding is good for the baby,
Breast feeding is good for the mum,
Breast feeding is good for the whole world,
So we must breast feed our babies.

I don't know how to sing this song as the lyrics is passed by a experienced mummy to me. She asked me to sing the song whenever i am tired to breastfeed the baby.

忧郁症

2010-02-23T18:09:00.000-08:00

忧郁症，这三个字，还蛮恐怖的。它是一种低潮情绪的心理疾病，而我相信每个人都有些许患有这种病。他潜伏在某的角落，我们可能不留意。

最近有一个学姐因为患上了产后忧郁症而跳楼自杀。他的离去，令我很震撼和难过。我只能说，好可惜。希望他的离去，能帮他解脱，也通过借镜让我们时时刻刻关心身边的人。

离开预产期还有两个多月的时间，我开始有所期待和担心。原来，产前也会有忧郁症。我不能预计，宝宝出生后，我会怎样。他会是个乖宝宝，还是一个吵吵闹闹的宝宝呢？我都能应付得来吗？我会是个好妈妈吗？我会变黄面婆，只会呆在家等老公回家的女人吗？我不想！！！！原来，女人真的需要有自己的工作才能得到一个平衡，或至少有自己的生活圈子。我发现我的圈子越来越小，我不能想象到了3 月4 月，当我的工作量越来越少时，我能怎样的过日子。难道就是每天看着时钟， 5 点半，摇的电话给老公，问他“你回了吗？”就这样吗？

我想我需要一点点的平衡。我还在找着，希望上帝保佑。

New Year 2010

2010-01-04T21:18:00.000-08:00

I was on the way to Ipoh when the clock reached 12am 1.1.2010.

Happy New Year to all that i know. Everyone feel excited when another year approach, and i guess this is the time all the people feel upbeat, think very positive, very bright. Is it because when we started a new page, it looks so fresh and clean and we tend to forget the obstacles that we need to face. No doubt, life is full of challenge and in fact we overcome shit everyday :( But i hope that does not disrupt the up beat mood that we had at the beginning of the year..cheers

I do not really recall what i had set for my last year resolutions or may be i think that is not matter anymore. This year will be a new chapter for me; a new life in 30's, a wife of someone, a mother of someone, a daughter in law of some people and of course aunties for some people too. So many role i am playing in my new life and i just want to keep my resolutions as simple as possible. Not that i am lazy to set any target, but i think life is just more than money and status.

In this year, i want to stay as happy as i could, with my healthy little Nathanial, with the loving daddy playing around with the boy.

In this year, i want to pay off all debt, no more burden paying credit card, no more heavy expenses by using credit card as well.

In this year, i want lose weight back to 50kg, able to wear the clothing i have before i got pregnant.

In this year, i want to do more charity, pay visit to the orphan house, old folk house.

In this year, i want to give all my support to my husband, to let him gain back the confidence that he used to have, to let him know how much i love him.

In this year, i want to pray more. For the family members, friends, to wish them stay healthy always.

May all these can be achieve by the blessing from God.

Christmas 2009

2009-12-27T19:12:00.000-08:00

I was in Penang this year celebrating the Christmas Eve and day with my husband. It was a great trip that we spend time together, with the little prince in my tummy too.

This is the lovely Christmas present i get. I am not the I.T gadget fans, however, i am hunger to have a Ipod touch for long long time ago. I did not include it in my Christmas list as i know this gadget cost a lot.

He knew that i wanted it. So he gave me the surprise. Thank you Honey!

We had a lot of food in Penang and i must say i have put on weight a lot, not only because i am pregnant, but also the excuse to allow my self to eat without control. From the picture, i must say, i am very very fat now:(

I wish i have...

2009-12-20T23:16:00.000-08:00

All i want for Christmas is

A pair of animal house shoes

just some funny pictures

2009-12-20T18:55:00.000-08:00

It doesn't look nice for him..I am sorry!

Forgiveness

2009-11-19T21:14:00.000-08:00

I did not update my blog recently due to many reasons behind. Too many updates if i wanted to blog, however, being a not so hardworking person, i stopped to blog.

I had doubt few days back,what kind of person i am till i live my life to 29 years. This has striked my mind after the incident one of the yoga center wanted to cut my class. No doubt i have bias opinion towards this boss, so i did not ask the reason for that. The simple reason behind the act is to cut cost. I was so struggle in my heart, should i voice out my dissatisfaction, (even though it would not help to remain my class) or keep quiet. Till today , i maintain silent.

I though i can leave this issue behind without recall it until one of the instructor call me this morning to chat about some others stuff. I bring up this dissatisfaction to her, to my surprise she knows about this. The boss told him due to the end of the year, normally less member will join the class and also because of my pregnancy due. He will reduce some class for this period of time, however, he will increase the class again when the season is up again.

This is quite true that there are seasons in fitness industry. Many members take opportunity to go for holiday during December or school holidays, even Chinese New Year ( it could be up to the whole month of the CNY). So we do not expect the crowd in the class. Of course, the boss has his say on this. Having said that, is this fair for the instructor, or the members who workout for 365 days and paying the same fee like others member?

I hardly angry with someone, or i don't like to do so. Now it is the time to forgive, but it does not come easily till i read some God's words :

Forgive by faith, trust God to do the work in us that needs to be done so that the forgiveness will be complete.

Colossians 3:13

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

AMEN

i am getting married soon

2009-06-20T07:33:00.001-07:00

Waited for long long time

2009-04-02T20:54:00.000-07:00

The feeling of waiting for the big day (待嫁的心情)

2009-03-23T02:27:00.000-07:00

It has come to a very special feeling today when i was just relaxing myself to let the make up artist to make over for me. I was totally stress free but the only thing i was worried about i is, whether i look good. :)
So i attended my friend dinner with my trial make over. Some compliments from the friends, that gave me some confident for the actual day. It is really excited looking forward to it, but at the same time, it is just few hours on the 4th July. I wish that event can last for longer time for us to enjoy the moment with our family, friends and relatives.

13th march 2009

2009-03-12T22:51:00.000-07:00

The whole morning was raining and i felt so lazy to wake up. The internet connection was not stable so i couldn't online.

It is just a boring for me, and i don't know why...why?

Feb 2009

2009-02-05T05:47:00.000-08:00

It is the second month of the year and i still have not set any of my new year resolution. I think i have give up myself, give up my goal, and almost give up my life. I don't wan to set anything to achieve, by passing the day by day, i know i will be better off tomorrow. So i hope this thing happens in this year.

Let pray for peace for the rest of the year, pray for health for the family, him n myself.

牵挂你得我

2009-01-22T20:54:00.000-08:00

I found some cassettes, which i bought during my secondary school times i guess. I played the cassette and i found this song which i think it was one of my favorite song and i still remember the lyric and how to sing the song. No doubt the MV is quite old fashion, but it was a 90's song. While i listened to the song, it was kind of refreshing me the old school time and the 无忧无虑的日子．How i wish, i can back to the schooling life.

大风它吹进了我想要安静的地方
白浪偷偷地翻阅了我心中深藏的过往
今天特别长因为你在远方
忧虑也变得不一样比天更蓝

大雨它带走了我想要留下的脚印
白云悄悄地遮住了我眼中明天的憧憬
孤单那么久因为有个承落
牵挂也变得不一样比海更宽

牵挂的是我明天的梦是否依然有你的天空

牵挂的是你许多年以后心里是否还有我

也许大风它吹散的大雨它带走的谁也不能再强留

可是岁月的浪花永远的白云谁又能没有梦

BKK day 1 to day 12-You & Me

2009-01-15T07:06:00.000-08:00

离开的那一刻

2009-01-11T19:22:00.000-08:00

带着沉重的心情，即将要离去着繁忙的城市。。

是伤心，担心，还是难过，都有。。看着他，脸上有岁月的痕迹，仿佛表露了他的不安与悲哀。我能深深的体会，因为我能明白，`也能感受。

压力。。把我们摧残了。。而生活还是要过着。。

I don't know how

2009-01-11T06:09:00.000-08:00

Today is already the 11th day of the year of 2009 and i still yet to set my new year resolution. Tomorrow i am going back to my own country, where i was borned , raised and live for life. So i don't think i have time to sit down and think what i want to do for this year.

In the previous blog i have recalled my achievement for the last year, sad to said that it was a failure. Having said that, i still need to look forward something good for the Ox year ahead. I still remember there was a time i was so depressed to quit my job because of the instabilily of income. So i set the target in last year and the deadline was Dec 2008. In the beginning of the month, i thought i have achieved in this final month due to many replacement classes. Unfortunately, i injured my leg that made me forced to take rest. So, the conclusion is, i fail, and the decision is, i should quit what i am doing right now.

Arghhh...It is such a hard decision that i have never had.

Let me think about it again..And i should Ask God

The actual day

2009-01-06T01:53:00.000-08:00

The most boring birthday i had..Lucky i still have you :) waiting for you to come back have dinner together

My birthday at Bangkok

2009-01-05T17:56:00.000-08:00

It is my birthday today and i am celebrating with him at Bangkok. I am staying here for 12 days and today my holiday come to the middle of the journey. I am quite afraid of leaving this town without him, and back to the place i am familiar with. Facing my day to day routine and asking the same question over and over again.

I was quite happy over the past 6 days staying in Bangkok, stressless because no one know me here and alsp spending precious time with him. Nevertheless, there were some minor things made me unhappy,like jeolousy, rejection, tiredness. But it were all fine now.

I don't know what to do today beside having lunch and dinner with him. Just feel lazy, no excitedment at all. May be i was too tired for the past 6 days, where i walked more than one year walking in KL.

LAst day of 2008

2008-12-30T18:20:00.000-08:00

It is the last day of 2008 and i feel sad about it because another year has passed and i see myself achieve nothing.

I actually wanted to write down what had happened in year 2008.

Today i am too lazy to write anything, to think anything, to plan anything..bye 2008

Review my 2008 resolution

2008-12-28T21:27:00.000-08:00

I have recalled what i have written in year end 2007. It is the time to review what i have actually set for the new year resolution and what i have achieved now

为自己设下2008新年愿望：

1。工作更上一层楼。指标是：月份收入RMxx, 参与课程至少两次。
2。搭飞机出国旅游。至少一次（蛮喜欢在KLIA等上飞机的感觉）
3。可以更苗条，更美丽。体重少过50kg
4. 生活有改变（怎样的改变还不知道，希望是更好，更开心的）

除了以上四点，当然希望，家人与男友平平安安，每个快快乐乐，身体健康，国泰民安，天气不爱这么热，货物不要涨那么多。：）

2008，来吧！我已做好准备了

I think i did not prepare well because i did achieve what i have set for myself:

1. 收入没有 RM xx, 只有参与课程一次 X
2. 有出国一次，到曼谷，但是没有去KLIA X
3. 潜在的体重是 50。7kg X
4. 生活有改变。，是更好吗？不是 X

我想，是时候反思一下了。

my leg is healing

2008-12-28T21:21:00.000-08:00

It still looks very swollen and very bad condition before i see the chinese sengsei..

But i is really better now.

Christmas eve 2008

2008-12-24T23:25:00.000-08:00

It was a really quiet night as nothing special happened to me. I finished my yoga class at 8pm then i i drove home. It was terrible jam and i have to use one hour to reach home. I did not have any special dinner instead i have two slices of bread with kaya.

I chatted with him in msn until both of us were tired. Then i went to bed, i remember the time exactly 12am.

Merry Christmas to all i love.

Disaster

2008-12-20T02:23:00.001-08:00

From this practice:

Become this leg, It needs to cast for one week.

Shopping

2008-12-20T02:06:00.001-08:00

The dresses i tried during the shopping at One Utama

Christmas

2008-12-20T01:14:00.000-08:00

Another 5 days is the Christmas day. Nine out of ten people will get crazy buying stuff, clothes, shoes, etc regardless there are really celebrating this event.

I must say i love this day as i like to see the decoration in the shopping malls. However, i did not go to all the malls this year because i just feel lazy going alone. So i took some nice pictures from the malls i have been to recently.

One Utama

It looks like Hari Raya more than Christmas celebration.Last year was the best.

The Curve

Attract a lot of children and adult to to take photos. I think this deco is the most attractive one with a lot of animal and cartoon.

Cineleisure

Quite simple but nice. White Christmas

Pavillion

A simple tree at the entrance

KLCC

Big tree at the centre court

I sincerely wish everyone have a wonderful Christmas day!

如果。。

2008-12-15T20:52:00.000-08:00

如果你是一棵圣诞树，我愿是树的吊灯，照亮你。。
如果你是一份圣诞礼物，我愿是那些彩带，让你缤纷色彩。。
如果你是一只火鸡，我愿是你得伴蝶，被人一起吃。。。
如果你是一个穷光蛋，我愿是你得的另一半，一生一世的陪着你。。

我们一定会回到开心的一天。。

哭了

2008-12-15T20:17:00.000-08:00

今天不好了。。我竟然又哭了。开始时是因为觉得自己在教课时退步了，很觉得对不起学生。因为我的心不在，没好好地用心教。

好寂寞的一个人在一个熟悉的地方吃早餐，这次只有我一人，对着一杯美禄，和一包椰奖饭。吃完了还坐着看看一本买了很久的阴瑜伽书，才发现有好多资料都没看完。待了一会儿，就驾车离开了。

到了msq, 先看看mailbox有信吗，才上楼。马上上网，希望能与他谈天，因为今天我快要进入很低潮了。还好他又在，还没开会。天呀，他告诉我车子给拖走了，现在他爸爸再帮他和银行谈。我能感觉他又多么的无奈。我也是，他哭了，我也哭了。只是在不同时间，不同地点。

到了这个地步，我希望我们的婚礼是简单的，没压力的。因为我们都很累了。我不想别人再问我们的生活，也不想再去解析为什么会到今天的一日，因为我们也不知道。

我应该是很幸福的，因为我有一个很爱我的人，已分别人很羡慕的工作，一群爱我的家人。但是因为压力，我都没有这种感觉，反而觉得不知道该怎么得走下去。除了哭，我还能做什么？？

我再听着airsupply 的without you. 哭了。。

我只想抱抱他，和他说我希望我们会好好的。如果可以，我会选择回到一个能够令我很舒服的环境。可能不是这个地球，也不知道那里。

Just a bit sad

2008-12-07T20:01:00.000-08:00

I was too busy over the weekend and no time to breath as well. Since he left i think i did not have proper rest. I was thinking when can i have good rest, put aside all things, and just rest with blank mind. I think i got to wait until January, hopefully.

We have so many question in our mind asking ourselves this and that. Guess this is not a good thing at all, why think too much, just do it. I was too emotion last night as i cried out because of many things. Things will slowly getting better, we just need to be patient. I came across a quote at Pelita Nasi Kandar when i was having lunch alone on Ssaturday. It goes like this : thing do not change, but we can change it. That sound so easy but in fact it is really hard.

I blame myself for not being strong enough and always under stress. I truly understand what suit me and what doesn't. However, i do not have choice right now. I am looking forward next year July, the life after that as well.

Over one week

2008-12-04T21:42:00.000-08:00

It was over one week since he left for Bangkok. Up and down, crying, worries, fear made us so negative towards the next minutes came. What should we do beside being more aggressive and positive towards what we have been looking for. The only thing that keep me moving is, the big day on 4th July.

Being a main character in the movie is always my dream and i believe that day is just a movie to everyone who attends. So i want to look good, feel good, leave good memories to others, so they can remember this movie in their life. Nevertheless, married to someone you really love, is more than anything.

I don't know how we can go thru this month untill 9th Jan to meet each other in Bangkok. I hope that we are patient enough to count for another 35 days.

7th day without him - Monday

2008-12-01T19:55:00.000-08:00

After talking to him last night thru skype, i knew how hard life being alone in oversea. When he asked me when can i stay together with him there plus the sms after one hour we hang up the phone, I knew he really miss me.

When we are new to one place, uncertain to many things, being fear to everything, this question show how afraid we are to many things and we hope we can have someone we are familiar with, to been thru it together. I have the same feeling when i was in NZ. I hope i can be there for him, to conmfort him, to give him support. He knew i am doing this all the time even though i am far apart because we are living in the same sky, same smillie moon facing to us.

anothers 38days...i will see him

6th day without him- Sunday

2008-11-30T04:14:00.001-08:00

I love Sunday because everyone do not need to work and there can gather together. Today i have 2 replacement classes, so do not enjoy the day at first. I dragged myself to wake up in the morning for morning class. However, i was able to talk to him for a while before i left my house. It was so great to say good morning to him.

After the class i went back home to help my sister to move house. Around 3.30pm then i have to go for another class. It feel very tired because of the weather is very hot and i don't like there is a gap in between two classes for too long. It makes me very exhausted.

Night time having dinner with my family. He wasn't here so no one help me to wash dishes together. Sad.

5th day without him- Saturday

2008-11-30T03:50:00.000-08:00

Normally my weekend is very relaxing, after morning class i am free to do anything. Sometimes we will go shopping, sometimes we will rest at home until dinner time then we will have dinner with family.

This Saturday i was really busy with replacement classes, not only one place but places scattered around klang valley. I was too tired when i have finished four classes and spended nearly 3 hours driving. And guess what, town was crazy jam.

While busy schedule keep me alert all the time, i do not have much time to think something negative or being alone. What was in my mine was counting the class i have finished and go home rest. That's why i have rejected to join my friend's hen's night party because i was too tired.

Night time i chat with him for more than 1 hour. I told him what have happened for the whole day and it seem that thing does not really change much because i used to do that. The feeling was so close to him when i was talking to him. I hope he will feel the same way.

4th day without him- Friday

2008-11-27T21:24:00.000-08:00

I am busy in the morning for these two weeks, and almost everyday i have morning class until middle of December. At least i got something to do in the morning, to keep me fresh and steady. Steady? ya, emotionally, at least i am working as everyone does.

While driving toward uptown for class, i decided to call him, to give him a big muaks before he starts work. We chatted for a while before i arrived.

After the class i tapau my lunch, mixed rice which i think he gonna miss mixed rice in KL. I went back to MSQ, online, had lunch facing my computer. This is the way i always do if i am having meal alone. I searched some news about the situation in Bangkok while listening to my Ipod. The song Without you by Air suppply just make me crying. hmmmm...i am kind of emotion person i guess. How i wish i can go there with him.

If God allow, i don't want to separate with him anymore. It's very torturing.

3rd day without him - Thursday

2008-11-27T00:54:00.001-08:00

Wake up early in the morning, around 7.30am, just because couldn"t sleep well after he left. Then i online to check whether he will be there. About 9am, he called me then we have some chat.

As usual after morning class, i went back home. Normally i will have lunch with him.Again, not today. Instead i tapau for my own and also for his mum. His mum was having eye operation yesterday, so i was thinking to visit her and also take my pants that i left in his room.

After i arrived, Guinness welcome me. Then i played around with him for a while. His mum asked me many questions, about his life, his job, more important his financial status. I can see her very sam tong about her son, in fact she cried. I tried to assure her he will be fine.I cannot tahan my tear also. Sigh. She is not suppose to cry as this is not good for her eyes. She needs to rest her eye.

She asked me whether i know about his financial stuff. I said i know a bit but not in details. She told me a figure that he owe after she check on the statements. She also worried about the legal action taken by Diamond Screen. I don't know what reaction should i give. The more she asked, the more she feel upset. She asked me to help him if i can.

After the conversation, i think i need a break. I need to recall what have we done until the situation become so bad. Before that i have never thought of the amount is so big. I have never thought of the nightmare is just started. I really hate him, why don't he talks to me honestly, why he still bought me the Tous, Celine, Gem Island package, why don't he reject Concorde hotel. WHY? I really don't need that stuff.

I hate myself that i cannot help him, i hate myself as a big spender also, i hate myself did not give him pressure. I hate i cant help.

We still have long way to go, if we don't face it now, it gonna be a big disaster in future.

I text his brother after that, i hope his brother can go home early to take care of his mother as she really needs support.

I don't feel good at all when i am writing this because we are such a failure. He is now with tonnes of burden working in a different country alone, i can feel how much pressure he has. I sincerely wish him, bless him to overcome this situation. And i wanted to let him know, he is not alone, he will got my support...more and more when he needed.

Raining again, just like my mood. I need to drive to work alone later.

Second day - First Wednesday

2008-11-26T06:08:00.000-08:00

We used to spend time together on Wednesday morning, either cooking breakfast or having it at downstair's mamak. Today, i am totally on my own.

Waking up early to check whether he is online. Waited for an hour, but he did not turn up there. I went out early for morning class at Manulife. It was a tough class for me because i did not perform good last time . However, i prayed, i asked God to give me the confidence. I must say i have done better than last time.

After class, went to Mid Valley meet mook, jean and fanny. I arrived early, walk around there alone until mook called me then we sit down at Seed Cafe chit chatting.

After the gossip session, i went to New York for my eye treatment. I took nap during the session and i guess this is the good time for me to rest and relax. Right after the session, i left the place. Honestly, not quite enjoy and satisfied with the service. They did not give me what they promised me when i signed the course. However, i did not complain nor say much about it because i have no mood doing that.

I left mid valley at the time of 4.15pm. It was still early to my class, i just drove slowly. Reach at Les there at 5pm only. Raining heavily, so i sit in the car read the magazine from mook. Guess what , is a bridal mag :)

After class, went home dinner. I think Ryan's friends miss him a lot tonight because he used to play badmintion on Wednesday nite. Two of his friends called, asked about whether he is safe.

The first thing when i reach home was turn on my computer, to check whether he is online. I think this will be the fisrt thing i do everyday once i get back home, unless my brother is using the computer.

I have been waiting for 3 hours. He is still outside. I don't have a chance to talk to him. Very sad :( and i cried before sleep.

Miss him....

Without him - first Tueday

2008-11-25T06:50:00.000-08:00

Ryan left today at 1.10pm from KLIA to Bangkok.

Everyday Tuesday, we are suppose to have breakfast at Taman Midah, the mamak next to RHB bank. Today the routine has changed. After my morning class at Sri Petaling, i went to his house, helping him to prepare his stuff. Together with the parents and brother, we have dim sum at connaught. After that, KLIA.

I hold on my tear, my breath, and my heart beat when he said goodbye. I know this was real tough for all of us, but i strongly believe this is a good thing for both of us.

After KLIA, i headed back to MSQ. The moment i open our master bed room door, the emotion stirked me. i couldn't stop my tear, I cried and stopped. I helped him to put back the shirt that he did not bring there back to the wardrobe. The moment i open the wardrobe door, i cried. We used to open the door together, my side and his side. So he will either let me open it first or don't let me open the wardrobe door. Most if the time, i win. Today, can do whatever i want. I squat dpwn and cried and cried.

I took nap after that until he text me saying that he has reached there safely.

During the class, just couldn't focus. Was thinking why he left me. Just a silly question :(

After class i used to text him, dinner with him, but not this tuesday, either next tuesday. I drove home, have dinner at home.

This is the first day he is not with me for 11 hours

Counting the day

2008-11-10T06:45:00.000-08:00

Since the day i know we are going to separate apart for some period of time, i keep telling myself to be strong. I though i can make it, in fact it is real hard.

What's so hard? Being so used to depends on him, and afraid to be alone. I must admit that i am that kind of people who are scared to be alone. I am worried too, about his life over there, about our relationship. However, we have to face these.

No matter how hard it is, let have faith. The sadness, the tear are all worth it if we can over come this.

You are good>important date 31 oct 2008

2008-10-30T07:46:00.001-07:00

No matter you can make it or not, i am still very proud of you.
We will find the way to work it out, whether you are here or far away

爱你。。

2008-09-28T08:10:00.000-07:00

有你我感觉骄傲，请不要再埋怨了
不管生活多困难，幸福一定会找到
虽然前方很迷惘，我愿陪在你左右
坦诚相对一定要，紧紧拖手一起老

...

2008-09-24T07:47:00.000-07:00

Life is always up and down like a roller coaster, and yet, I still ask why? Sometimes life is so difficult, but sometimes it can be so simple.

There are so many things happens recently and something strike to my mind when i was driving back home. When thing goes wrong,`we have many questions; who should we blame for?How should we react? What do we need to focus? Its seem all this thing is not important to me suddenly. I feel like calling all the people i care for, tell them how much i love them, how much i need them in my life.

Living in this world, we chase for everything, money, food, clothes...etc. Today, i am hunger for love. I am so afraid if one day i wake up in the morning, i am alone in this world. Yeah, i am nobody ,but i am somebody for someone.

I wish to make pepole around me happy all the times, i tried and i will try.

What's wrong with him?

2008-08-18T07:37:00.000-07:00

The whole nation was very excited to watch the battle between Lee CW (Msia) and Lin D (China) in Badminton Single Final on TV at 8.30pm. He was the only hope for Msia to get at least a gold medal.

Being a gf of someone who was very supportive to watch this game, we were planned to watch this together at home, either his or mine place. We decided to watch at his place, so before the show started, i was hunger for a glass of 100plus, don't know why, may be the weather was hot. He was very kind to offer the help to buy for me. I also asked him to buy some chips or snack, so we can enjoy it while watching the game.

When he came back, he only brought back a bottle of 100plus. I asked about the chips, he said pringles is very expensive, so he did not buy it. I was a bit disappointed because i did not ask him to buy pringles, i was saying chips only, and he will always have the option to buy other cheaper one. That was alright with me without chips, he asked again what i want, i said a glass. He went to the kicthen and get a glass for me. After that, he was dark face. He raised his voice saying don't know what i want in front of two people. I feel very innocent and keep quiet because it wasn't my fault. Well i think if i was asking him to get the glass for me, that was too difficult, then next time i know i must get it for my own.

He apology after that. i know the game mean too much to him that he couldn't miss it. Anyway, i hope this thing wouldn't happen again. I forgave him.

My terrible week - DENGUE

2008-07-19T21:08:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't forget 11st July 3.15am(fri), i was awake suddenly in the middle of the night. I feel very pain in my whole body and just couldn't sleep after that. I sat at the living room, waiting for the sun to rise. The pain was just killing me, i had fever and i feel no energy at all.

I still went for the Chinese massage because of the promised. The massage was killing me too, very pain. I remember i cried while i was driving back from PJ to Cheras. My phone was dry out of battery, no one i can talked to, beside crying alone and the driver next to my car staring at me.

Night, see doctor nearby my house. The doctor seem very unprofessional, only measure my body temperature without any blood pressure or pulse measured. I was in the consultation room not even 3 mins

The next day, i did not feel even better but worse. I went back to the same clinic again. This time there was another doctor which seem more caring. She gave me an injection to reduce my body heat and i feel better after that.

Sunday, i though i can fully recover. However, the whole night i couldn't sleep because i feel like vomitting. I did not eat much for the past few days, i threw out yellow water only.

Monday, i decided to give Chinese Tabib a try since i still feel very sick. The sensei said my stomach was very windy and asked me do not take rice at all. I followed the instruction.

Tuesday morning, i was really sick. Then i decided to go to Pantai Cheras Hospital to do blood test. Immediately, the doctor advised me to admit to the hospital.

After one day, my blood palete was still dropping, so have no choice have to stay there until my blood palete was up again. Beside resting and eating, i have nothing to do there. I was really losing weight a lot and feel very boring there.

The 3rd day, i was discharged at 6pm. Just cant wait to go home. These 3 days cost me RM1,754 :(

Disappointment

2008-06-25T06:20:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the last day of my module two training. I have been very hardworking and fulfill in my life recently because of the flow training. Honestly, i was quite enjoying but a little bit of tiring.

We have talking a lot about the anusara practice in the class and seem some of the students are not quite agree with what the teacher had taught us. Personally i feel that "yoga" is something very personal and we will have different feeling towards this. It is always great that someone agree on what we thought. However, if they don't they should respect what we think.

I feel very disappointed with the environment where they are gossip around the class. I was trying to avoid this and accept open mindedly on whatever the teacher has taught me. If i find that is useful, then i must practice it, otherwise listen and forget.

That is really lack of Ahimsa in the class.

I feel better

2008-06-25T06:09:00.000-07:00

I was little surprise when i got the msg,telling that he has quit from the job. What i have worried for since few weeks back was totally gone, and i find the relief. I guess it was been a hard time for him to make such a big decision. Whether it was a good or bad decision, he has make up his mind.

Sometimes we tend to question ourselves, whether we are doing the right things. Being a very emotional person, i always follow my heart and feeling. Is that a good thing? I don't know. Honestly, it is always two ways to look at something.

I choose to think or say something i feel better off.

changing

2008-06-22T07:45:00.000-07:00

I've been missing my own blog for some times, I do not know what i am busy for recently but just couldn't find time to write something here.

I can feel what he feels recently coz i am really worried for what he is worrying too. That is a new challenge for us to overcome and i do not know whether myself can overcome this. I must say sometimes i am too rely on him, expect too many things from him, especially...i wish i know everything that happen to him, regardless big or small. But , guys sometimes just don't talk.

It will be a change, definitely. I presume it will be a good change, for both of us especially he told me that he wanted to have a solid future with me. That make me feel very secure and less worried. But, i don't know, i wish i can adapt to the change.

Tired day :(

2008-06-03T08:34:00.000-07:00

I had a long day. Woke up at 6am, started my first class at 7.30am. It was a one to one class, so i wasn't really enjoy it. Then rushing to another class at 9am. It was a replacement class and i think the students feel ok about my teaching but they were still comparing my teaching skills with their existing teacher. Well i am really find with that and took the comments as something i can improve more.

Afternoon time went to police station to collect the report. Yes i was involved in a car accident on last Friday. :( Anyway, bad things always happen.

Another 2 classes in the afternoon. I feel a little dry recently. I feel like i have lost my teaching method, i was totally no direction and don't know which way to go. Probably i need some guidelines. I wish...i will be inspired.

people dream

2008-06-01T09:10:00.000-07:00

I have few hours chatting with these two guys, Ryan and Ernest, was talking about something relate to our life. What do you want, what is your dream, where do you see yourself in 5 years. Most of the time,we got these questions during our interview. If we really think about this questions seriously, life is real complicated.

Let's talk about "dream". For some people, dream will never be achieved because it is a dream, unless Stephen Chow said" if you do not have dream, you are a corpse". According to my interpretation, dream is a desire/ a need. For me, dream is something set for long run, and i am not kind of person who think for what i want or how i become for the coming 10 or 20 years. Probably i am not a dreamer.

As we age, we will have different dream, and the dream in the past will not be the dream as now. That is definitely logic, if we are a kids age 10, we want to be a doctor to help people in future, that is a dream.What if when we come to age 20, we still do not know what photosynthesis means? Then the dream to become a doctor is just a dream. We might want to make another dream, probably to say you want to be so and so. What i am trying to say is, the word "dream", you said it, you mean it.

It really does not matter whether you have a dream or not. I do not believe people with dream will do better if they don't mean what they said. So, all the bosses, do not ask this question anymore. Do not give opportunity for those interviewer to say something which is not truthful from their heart. You want to hire a truthful staff or a dreamer is up to you.
Is good to have dream neither not...

I need a break

2008-05-21T05:51:00.000-07:00

My yoga training is still going on until this friday. I am learning Anusara style this time and I realize the Anusara principles are very useful in my yoga teaching. Anusara means "flowing with Grace,” “going with the flow,” “following your heart.” I would like to talk more about the training, probably over the weekend if i can make it, because i need a break now.

Everyday i have to wake up at 6.40am, leaving at 7.15am, class start at 8am, finish at 4.30pm and normally i have class at 6pm. untill nite. The schedule is definitely too hectic for me, where i used to relax too much. :)

Just resting the mind tonight, and hopefully i will have better performance tomorrow.

救命

2008-05-05T08:38:00.000-07:00

我浪费了我的人生，因为性格没收了我的才华
我不再是我，而我又是谁呢？
幸福感，成就感，安全感，有谁不在乎
我不想再是我，因为那份怀疑，又令我再问，我到底是谁？
天下无难事，只怕有心人
只怕我有心无力，还是一个借口呢？
我不能在沉没下去，因为它不会等我
求求你上帝，给我一个答案
好让我做个有用的儿女，社群服人。

4天3夜曼谷

2008-04-05T21:46:00.000-07:00

趁搭airasia到曼谷。

这一次的旅行共有9人。

一个比我想像中好的旅行

31st March

2008-03-30T18:24:00.000-07:00

Today is the last day of the first Quarter in a year. For most of the company, it is actually the time to review the sales achievement for the last three month. Its suddenly remind me to review myself as well.

What have i done? Am i going to the direction toward my new year resolution?

I think the answer is YES.

Whatever it is, i am going for a holiday for the next four days. But i will look into this seriously after my mad, crazy shopping.

A Test

2008-03-24T07:29:00.000-07:00

From a Tibetan personality test:

Priorities in my life:
Horse (family) - Tiger (pride) - Sheep (love) - Cow (career) - Pig (money)

Description of:
Dog : my word is : companion -implies my personality
Cat : "manja"- personality of my partner
Rat: dirty - personality of my enemy
Coffee: caffeinated - interpret sex
Sea: huge - my life

Yellow : Mook - someone i will not forget
Orange : Jin - someone consider my true friend
Red : Ryan - someone that i really love
White: Seceond sister - my twin soul
Green : Han - someone that i will remember for the rest of my life

http://memoriter.net/flash/test.html

Another wedding

2008-03-23T09:04:00.000-07:00

It was a busy weekend because of Ah Jin, one of my close friend, was married. I am at the age of, all the peer are planning for getting married. So if i meet some old friends, sure they will ask me when is my turn to tie the knot. Hmmm... simple answer, may be next year. It is hard to tell people we have no planning yet because of my age, 28. Well, not very old but just the right time. However, it is not the matter of age, it is the matter of timing, the readiness to build a home. I would not say i am not ready and i guess both of us are ready, just lack of action. May be we are still trying to figure out what kind of wedding ceremony we want.

Anyway, i had 4days event on Jin's wedding..From the bachelorette party, night before the wedding day (in Ipoh people call it "eat fried mee/mee hon") ,wedding dinner, and the wedding day where tea ceremony was held for the relative.

We had Karaoke session on the Hen's night at Neway, few days before she get married. We also presented the gift to her as our small little wishing to her marriage on that night. (a set of Tous's jewellery)

Friday night, we went to her house for dinner. Actually it was a gathering for all the Zhi Mui to talk about the itinerary on the wedding day. But we have done it a week ago.

Dinner night on the Saturday at Oversea Restaurant,PJ. I know Jin since primary school. So i know most of her friends, and i was busy to walk around to meet with some of the old friends. I also represented six of us "the closest friends" to give a short speech. It sound like this:

晶，你大个女了，今天终于嫁了
虽然是你的婚礼，但是我们也当了好像是我们的婚礼，很期待它的来临
我们很开心也很感动
虽然你变佐“郑太太”但是我们还会像以前一样，和你分享我们的一切一切
最后我们送上这首歌“姐妹”代表我们的一点心意。
祝你和阿tee辛福快乐

After that we sang a song. The second song was presented by a group of primary schoolmates. The song was"你最珍贵"

Sunday morning, we reached at Jin house around 8am. We prepared the the food for the bridegroom and all the best man & brothers. They came around 10.30am. As usual, we will not let them come in to get the bride, unless they have passed all what we required them to do. We are quite lenient this time due to the time constrain and some special order. So we did not prepare anything that are really hard to eat or do. Hence, it still run smooth.

All the Zhi Mui went to the bridegroom house, had lunch, took pictures. Jin "throw flower" to all the Zhi Mui, see who will catch it, then she will be the next to get married. I always see this ceremony in the movie, but have not experience it before. All of us were so exciting, and no one was so eager to get the flower. We stood very far, first round the flower was dropped on the floor and no one catch it. We then step one step forward, second round throwing, the flower fell to Mook's hand. We all congratulate her and she was so embarrassing.

无聊

2008-03-05T07:58:00.000-08:00

只是觉得很无聊，吃饱饭等睡觉。。。

在无聊也只能做算数。。：
一辆巴士，有七个女生，每个女生有一个包包，每个包包有七只大猫，每只大猫有七只小猫，如果每只猫有四只脚，车上会要多少只脚？

好无聊。。

About the last 4 days

2008-02-21T05:02:00.000-08:00

I was in Singapore for 3 days for the yin yoga course,so i landed there 1 day before. It's nothing new for me to travel alone and every time i did, it is another break through. Some people might think what is the big deal travel alone, but for me, it is a very big deal. Sometimes i need companion, i will feel upset when i am alone. I took the Transtar Coach to Singapore, First Class, meal and beverages provided.

I stayed in Fragrance Hostel, one of the backpacker near Bugis Junction. The hostel is clean and tidy, the only set back is very near to mosque, so do expect some noise during prayer time. I did not stay in the room during day time as my training started from 8am to 5pm, so i opted a 6 female dorm.

It was quite easy to look for a location in Singapore due to their highly convenience public transport. I took the MRT from Bugis station to Sommerset station, it only took me 15 mins and cost me 90 cents.

The training took me 3 days, from Monday to Wednesday. It was the same routine for the first 2 days, going to the training and coming back to the hostel. The last day i went to Orchard road, just to walked around.

I took the same coach back to KL. This time i took the premier class, definitely it wasn't as luxury as the first class. The only differences was it is 24 seats, so the seat is not very spaces compared to the first class, no blanket given, the LCD screen is smaller, no jasmine tea provided. But it was still a pleasant journey.

Funeral

2008-02-16T07:48:00.000-08:00

My auntie passed away.During the time she was struggling with cancer disease, she gets to know about Jesus Christ, and accepted Him. Tonight, it is my first time attending Christian Funeral.

I am a new believer in Christianity, hence it takes me to know about death in Christianity. The ceremony was quiet and peaceful, we sang songs, prayed, 追思（if i am not mistaken the name) - anyone can come forward to say about anything about the dead, her/his history, characters,etc.. i saw this in the movie, but tonight i witness it. Few people came forward said about her faithfulness to Jesus, and her determination to fight against the disease, i was so so touched by their words and my auntie's spirit towards Christianity. When a lady came forward saying she was from FGA(church i attended before), has known my auntie since last year August, it started drawing my attention to listen to her words. She was a bit aggressive, raised the tone of her voice, and cried. She made everybody feel uncomfortable especially for those non believer and also the new believer-i am talking about myself, i am not sure about the rest. I feel a bit nervous at that moment, i did not know what she will do, keep shouting until someone stop her? I have no idea, i just hope this would not happen, but it did. Finally, the Pastor stood up to stop her, and i believed she was a bit out of control, or too sad about her death.

I think this is the first time for my parents to know about Jesus, and i have no idea how to explain about the incident, because this really gives a bad impression to them in Christianity. Mum said she was frighten, believed this is a bit 邪。。。it really spoiled the impression.

情人节快乐。。。

2008-02-14T18:22:00.000-08:00

二月十四，是西方情人节。祝所有人有情人终成归属。。有人说如果你的情人是爱你的，那每天都是情人节，何必在这一天让商家赚钱。我绝对赞成不花太多的钱，但是心意一定要有。。比如说，小小的晚餐，不需要高级的，也不可以大摆挡。。礼物就随意吧，有没有都可以。有一声诚恳地我爱你，就太浪漫了。。

意大利餐

大家情人节快乐。。没有情人的，也可以和家人，朋友庆祝的。：）

我的最爱。。tiramisu
小小心意-spa礼卷

一对小情人

I am so naive

2008-02-06T03:55:00.000-08:00

You will get to know one better after sometimes, but i think this doesn't apply to me. Why say so?Because i did not know the one who is so close to me was struggling, even 3 days 2 night being together, every minute, every seconds, i cant feel it. I am just a failure being a girl friend. May be i wasn't observant enough, to care how he feels everyday. Or i could say he was looking at something under the magnifying glass. Or may be i couldn't judge like this as sometimes i was a jerk too.

Thanks for the greatest power of blogging. I get to know his feeling through his blog，and i believe this was the last source for him to express himself. He wasn't really talking much about this because he was so afraid to push me to aside, where decision have to be made. Perhaps, if he knows me more, he would know things were getting better as life goes on. I am seeing some effort he puts in this relationship, but I do not know how much time he needs to cure the wound,may be a short period of time, may be its take a long time, or may be its will never be cured.

He knows how i feel today, as i am being a stupid and jealous girlfriend, reflecting what he has done to me. hmmm...i am sorry too

除夕夜

2008-02-05T22:39:00.000-08:00

今天是年三十晚，每年的今天我的呆在家帮忙做家务。为什么每年都是这样呢？又不忍心不帮，只好不出门。妈妈喜欢布置家，我也帮忙粘那些美美的东西。太多了吧，浪费钱。。今年没买好多东西，有几件新衣就好了，而且还不贵的呢！等待吃团园饭。

Pulau Pinang

2008-02-03T17:28:00.000-08:00

I went to Penang with Ryan for Melissa Wedding's dinner. This gave me the opportunity to visit Penang again since i was very young. We drove to Penang on Wilayah Territory's Day,the traffic wasn't very smooth as we were forced to broke the rules,driving in the emergency lane. We stopped over at Bidor, for a plate of Duck Mee, but i did not take it, as my skin is quite sensitive to duck meat. I just had a mixed rice which cost me RM4.30, not cheap too.

We continued the journey to Penang, until we reached the Penang Bridge, we were very excited. It was jam again on the bridge, so we have to slow down the speed.

We arrived at 3.30pm, checked in at Seri Malaysia Hotel, and i guess it's a 3 star hotel only. Anyway, we just need a shelter, to take bath and rest. After half an hour rest, we went to Tokong Ular, of course to see snake, but we were able to see some others animal like rabbits, monkeys, giant tortoise.Worth to visit :) RM3 per entry with Mykad

龟兔赛跑

At nite, we had our dinner at Gurney Drive, Char kuey Tiew, Bubur Cha Cha, Muar Chi, rojak...hmmmm..all yummy..and i guess my stomach was complaining about the things i ate. After that we went back to hotel to rest as driving for4 hours was very exhausted, and we have more places to go for the next day.

2nd day, we had breakfast at the hotel as they did provide 2 pax breakfast, so why spend more. After breakfast we continued the journey to Penang Hill, Kek Lok Tsi, and also the famous Asam Laksa. Not very enjoying at Penang Hill, as that place required to walk far form one place to another, especially the sun was heating up above my head, that was a big no no to me. We did not spend much time there then went Kek Lok Tsi. Well the reason i went to this place was to feed the tortoise. I still remember those day when i was very very young, my parents bring me there. Just some memory fleshed back in my mind.

Dinner at Penang Fisherman Wharf,where Melissa and Vincent had their wedding dinner. We went earlier, 6.30pm as stated in the invitation card. So we were wondered dinner should start very punctual, penang ma.. but we were wrong. we were more early than the bride & the bridegroom, and also their family members. So we just hang around there, until the VIP came.Thing wasn't as smooth as they planned, because they came late. so free seating, we just sat at the table near where we were standing, together with some of Melissa's colleague. I was her ex colleague, a litte sweet girl sat behind me in the office, used to drink Vitagen (White color), taught me Excel (She is just good in that), taught me English (She cant speaks mandarin or cantonese) chit chatting with me (Using intranet email), and we were laugh out loud after reading some funny things in the email. I must say she was my good buddy during my time in SBB. My first job after graduation.

3rd day, after breakfast we checked out, went back to KL. We stopped over at Ipoh, bought pomeloes, had lunch. Arrived at Kl around 4pm.

Celebration for my father's 60 Birthday!

2008-01-28T00:02:00.001-08:00

一个令我有感觉的晚上

2008-01-22T05:32:00.000-08:00

驾着车子回家，看见月亮特别大，真得好大，好亮。它把我们都照亮了,我在想,为什么它那么的美丽,令我不能把眼睛离开它,也不能专注的驾车,好危险.好危险!我愿像它一样，每天照亮着爱我的你们。虽然我是那么的渺小，但在你们的心目中是那么的重要。我的存在不能改变世界，愿我的存在能给你们欢乐。

新的窝

2008-01-14T19:42:00.000-08:00

坐落在damansara perdana.

努力了好几个月，我们终于可以搬进去了。虽然花了不少钱，但是很值得。我们把budget写好，然后就跟着list,买东西。有的超过预先的钱，那是很正常吧。屋子里还蛮空的，我们还需要很多东西，在等待吧。。

人生用最多的地方-床

一个太可爱的吃饭桌子-烛光晚餐

如果你也像我一样，就要有一个新的窝，记得。。。凡是不要勉强，能力以为，尊重对方意见，那爱情的结晶品就会很有价值。

当3字头找上了你

2008-01-09T08:36:00.000-08:00

当年龄接近30岁。。有的人感到害怕，也有些恐惧，也会紧张，更严重茶饭不思。为什么呢？因为不想老吧，老了有皱纹，老了不好看。所以呀，保养的工作很重要，而且要更勤奋。

可能是生活上没太大的改变，所以都不以为然觉得自己要到了30岁。但是比起一个结了婚，有了孩子，心态上可能就不一样了。我还是像以往一样，没有太大的责任，觉得还是可以做很多自己想做的事。但是因为生活的压力，老是觉得我还是可以做得更好。再不努力，就会赶不上了。我觉得人生的黄金时候是20-30岁。要拼就是这个时候。而就快结束黄金时候得我，有时觉得很无奈。有时候会想，我有好好把握那一段光阴吗？我还是什么都没做过，可悲。。。这就叫人生吗？人生不能完全放丛，也不能没有一点点责任。其实我们每天都有责任，做孩子的责任，做下属的责任，做女/男朋友的责任。为什么我们都把这些责任埋没掉呢？

最近有好好地反省。。。其实3字头并不可怕，平常心，做好本分，不比较，不追求，那就很好了。

生日快乐。。

2008-01-06T08:31:00.000-08:00

这是我的生日礼物。

收到礼物的感想：矛盾。。。

很开心，因为都不曾有过一个名牌包，它很美丽也实用
很有罪恶感，因为上帝说不要追求物质

生日愿望：开开心心，不要太追求什么

姐妹庆祝生日

2008-01-04T09:16:00.000-08:00

今天晚上庆祝28岁生日，我已经不介意告诉别人我的年龄。人是会老的，会怀念年轻的时候，但是也会接受年级的增长。我们再HeritageRow的一间叫Palascia吃晚餐。最大的惊喜，晶要结婚了。可能我们还是没有心理准备，所以觉得很suprise...但也很祝福她。小时候，我们曾经互猜，谁会是先结婚，结果没有人猜她，大家都输了。

新的开始2008

2008-01-01T07:15:00.000-08:00

2008的第一天

做一个孝顺女，请爸妈到old town吃早餐，然后在jusco逛街。（希望在新的一年，有多一点时间陪他们）
下午到KLCC，拍拖。（希望恩恩爱爱）
与家人吃晚餐，（希望一家大小开开心心）
晚上到他家，然后喝茶。（也希望他能和家人融融恰恰）

这几天突然觉得亲情很可贵。08年一定是个好年：）

新的一年

2007-12-30T03:43:00.000-08:00

为自己设下2008新年愿望：

1。工作更上一层楼。指标是：月份收入RMxx, 参与课程至少两次。
2。搭飞机出国旅游。至少一次（蛮喜欢在KLIA等上飞机的感觉）
3。可以更苗条，更美丽。体重少过50kg
4. 生活有改变（怎样的改变还不知道，希望是更好，更开心的）

除了以上四点，当然希望，家人与男友平平安安，每个快快乐乐，身体健康，国泰民安，天气不爱这么热，货物不要涨那么多。：）

2008，来吧！我已做好准备了

2007 真得要走了。

2007-12-29T08:52:00.000-08:00

我是一个感性的人，但遇到离别时刻，特别感触。尤其今年，2007走了，哥哥也要离去了。我会怀念它/他。很特别的一年，因为我在纽西兰度过了7个月。话说不长也不短，的确有很难忘的体验。必竟一个人离乡别井，人生路不熟，加上怕冷得我，天气也都折磨我。这宝贵的经验，真的千金难买。我为我在2007年做得事感到骄傲，谢谢一直鼓励我的人。我也为我所做错的是感到抱歉和难过，对不起如果我伤害了你，也对不起令自己哭泣。

期待2008有一个不一样！

失落的一晚

2007-12-26T06:23:00.000-08:00

上完课，驾着车子回家。实在太饿了，那种不上不下的心情实在是累坏了。感觉很苦闷，很想有人陪我吃东西。想了很久，还是选着一个人静静。天下着大雨，我很想喝糖水，但又怕湿坏了。所以只好吃麦当劳。那里好多人，我想，人不能没有朋友，如果永远自己个人，你会寂寞。但是人与人自间，也产生很多麻烦，误会。究竟我怎么了。。还是觉得心很不哪个的，苦苦闷闷，生活少了些节奏。可能还没想到新的心愿望吧！。

今天一件事情值得开心，我买了一盏我很喜欢的灯。虽然很贵，但是因该有它值得的地方。

倒数。再见2007。

2007-12-09T19:21:00.000-08:00

很快的我们又要说再见了。。永别了。。2007!

每年的年尾，我都特别的感慨。一年发生的事情，有开心，又伤心，回想起，这是成长的过程，也是让我自我检讨的时候。开心的，脸上笑一笑，留在心中。伤心的，叹一叹息，算了吧！人生嘛，就是要简简单单。

回故2007的new year resolutions:
1.到纽西兰体验，平平安安 - 做到：）
2。把债还清 - 做到：）
3。感情还稳固，还可以和他开开心心的过生活 -做到：）

2008的newyear resolutions 又会如何呢？很快的，又有目标了。

不要做个愚蠢的人。

2007-12-06T21:19:00.000-08:00

人生有起有落，难免会在不刻意的情况下自寻短见。就在那短短的一两秒，他找上了死神。死亡是种解决的方法吗？不要以为一个快乐无比的人不会自杀，因为你永远不知道他内心深处的思想。他可能有个不能说的秘密。这秘密带给他痛处，让他无法入睡。然而又有谁明白他呢？不爱骂他愚蠢，因为愚蠢的是一些不会关怀别人的我们。从今天开始，时时刻刻关心你身边的人，了解他，爱护他，让他知道有你的存在，世界是美好。

祝福她

2007-12-04T18:25:00.000-08:00

今天早上收到一个好朋友的简讯，把我从梦中吵醒。她和我说她在澳洲很寂寞，工作很辛苦。她在哪儿帮客户做按摩。他告诉我手很痛，男朋友也不允许他再做。她说她很想哭，我听了很难过。因为从我认识她到今天，我应该没有看过她哭。她是一个很坚强，又开朗的女孩。他不曾在纽西兰哭，也不曾听他诉苦。所以我很佩服她。我告诉他，要哭就大声得哭吧,无所谓的，哭了会舒服些。我在纽西兰的时候，也很时常哭。希望她哭了过后可以再挨下去。说真的，一个女生在外国，真得很凄凉。我已经觉得她的勇敢度有95分。希望我远方的祝福能够给她力量。加油！

Confidence?

2007-12-04T07:50:00.000-08:00

What do you think about confidence?
believing in yourself and your ability

Where does the confident come from?
from your appearance, from your knowledge, from others..

How do you increase your confidence level?
this is real hard..may be, read more, listen more, speak more and practice more

Who do you think he/she has confidence?
hard to say too, someone look confidently, in fact very low self-esteem.

Are you a confident person?
yes and no.sometimes i did something good, i am proud of myself, then yes. sometimes you just think you are not good enough,or someone commend about you,then no.

我要决定

2007-12-03T00:28:00.000-08:00

怎么选择呢？应该问自己要的是什么。希望放松一下，出国玩玩，回来有个很舒服的家，有一个很好的收入。。那该很好的。我都能安排这些事吗？

我相信我只想旅游，看不同的东西.别的都不想了，自相做好目前的事。

勉励的话

2007-11-28T23:50:00.000-08:00

很久没写不落个，都是因为懒惰。说得好听一点，不想做任何事情。每一的人都会有低潮的时候，而就是这个原因，让我们的人生慢了下来。慢下来是可以的，也可以让自己想象到底你要的是什么。你愿意付出多少代价来得到你要的东西。岁月真得不留人呀！不要再做一个“不生性”的人。这真得会让你变的消极的。你知道吗，天生你才必有用。不要被你心中的鬼打捞你了，把它干掉，你一定可以的。

我在等待，等待你得改变。

失望的表达

2007-11-06T09:37:00.000-08:00

我不再怀念，当年的友情，是否是因为你那台慢的态度。
我不再怀念，你那热情地对待，是否是因为你那一句的“你喜欢”。
我不再怀念人与人之间的感情，是否因为人是没感情的动物。
我也不再怀念过去的点点滴滴，因为过去只是过去。。。

面对自己。

2007-10-29T08:51:00.000-07:00

今天听到歌词中的一句，“没法面对自我其实最痛楚”。我们每一天都面对自己，无论你有否照镜子。。早上醒后，要面对一天的工作，而在还没面对别人时，首先要面对自己。从视觉，你会看看到底我好看吗？面对自己你是否能够接受目前的遗容，有过于肥胖，还是都还可以呢？有些人可能不在乎这一点，而我觉得其实这是蛮重要的。如果老是不能接受自己过于肥胖，县东县西，那相信只有是开始减肥吧！。视觉上的痛楚会影响心灵的压力。如果不及时补救，人会失去信心，久而久之，你会不想照镜子，不敢面对自己。我有这方面的经验，还记得我不爱拍照，就算拍了也不会抢着看，因为我不敢看自己，恐怕看了那大大的黑眼圈，伤心。虽然都有行动补救，但是还是一样。面对了，也接受了。除了视觉，还要面对心灵的感觉。你又想过吗，你所作的东西都是对得起别人，对得起自己的吗？比方说，一个商人卖好的东西给顾客，对得起自己和顾客。一个老师具备好的知识，对得起学生。

不能面对只好埋怨。所以说“没法面对自我其实最痛楚”。

夜深人静。。

2007-10-18T19:44:00.000-07:00

我不能入睡。是因为白天太无聊，也有可能太早入睡吧！只好躺在床，逼自己入睡。还是不能入睡。我爬起来，开了灯，找了几本相簿。那是1997和一般好朋友的照片。还有一些个人专辑和学生时代的照片。回想起以前，我们都有冲洗照片的习惯，所以现在还能拿出那一张张的照片出来观尝。渐渐的，照片越来越少了，都save在电脑或CD's.

看回我的过往，都觉得没浪费青春。吃喝玩乐，都是年轻人的最爱。而不在青春的我，也没有遗憾。只是觉得如果能够活到过去，我想我能做得更好，我能比以前的我更美丽，更漂亮。

有一张与狗狗的照片，它的名字是Pricess.他就像是我们家的公主，每个人都疼爱它。由于每个人都忙着上班和读书，我们没有时间照顾它，也只好把它送给别人。

人有时会活在回忆里，但是回忆是模糊的，也只是一个回忆。

云顶不一样了。十月十三日

2007-10-15T09:48:00.000-07:00

很早的几个月已经说好在开斋节上云顶，今天开着车，带着要上去吹吹风的心情去。大道上都没什么车子而上云顶的大道收费也起加了，现在是5零吉。一个小时我们就到了云顶。困难的是找车位停车。我们停了车子，沿着Theme Park Hotel 走去。我再hotel大厅拍了一张大家都很熟悉的照片。没想到他们还在那里为游客们带来欢乐，而也不少人也提取相机帮他们拍个照。云顶都不冷，只有23度。相比以前17-18度。

我们去了赌场，玩Casino War.一轮是25零吉。原因完这个game是它不复杂。玩了好几场我们都在赢着，但是人的本性是贪心的，到终还是没赢输离开了。都是我们没有好好把握原则。记得uncle Lim 说过，他不怕你赢，只怕你不上云顶。嘻嘻！我还想起前一年一个朋友介绍我吃云顶的油条，虽然在减肥，但也忍不足吃了两条。但是失望的，那油条已经没那么的好吃了。我们在云顶户外走走，大风吹来，好舒服。这种感觉真好。只盼望kl时常会这样。户外的theme park,是那么的多姿多彩。新奇的玩意，刺激，危险，什么都有，而我们也不能说想进去走走就可以，你得买入门票才行。好可惜！
云顶改变了，而世界也在改变，不变是还是要活着，无论那是否是你的选择。　

学生生涯真好！

2007-10-07T21:11:00.000-07:00

我的读书生涯是从1987-2004，从小学到大学，17年。已超过我生命的50%. 还记得小学一年级和二年级，我还哭着说不要上学。我在学校打电话回家，告诉妈妈说我想回家。当然我已不记得妈妈怎样回答我了。我哭是应为我害怕老师，害怕不会做功课。所以我还努力读书的，希望不会被老师责骂。就是这样的格性，UPSR的成绩也很好。小学除了读书，我也很参加很多运动。跳高，韵律操，唱歌，都是我很喜欢的东西。5年级我代表ZonPudu 跳高，为了练习，我不需要上课，到另一间学校去。我不开心也哭了因为那是一间马来学校，我都不明白他们在讲什么。有一次还躲起来，使老师早不到我，就不用去了。嘻嘻。。

上了中学，害怕读书的感觉还是很强烈，都是因为上英文课。每一次老师教我站起来读英文，我都非常害怕。尤其在form5，应为我是班长，很丢脸如果读不好。爱面子的我是不能面对不会的东西。。所以会尽量做得最好。日子一天一天的过，很自由自在。只是把SPM考好，我已给自己和家人一个交待。Form 6的日子，我很勤力，这都为了进入大学。希望能够得到自己的首选科目。当然我做到了。

到了大学，日子好得不得了。那种喜欢就上课，不喜欢就不上的日子，我都那么的怀念。而且还有政府的扶助钱，那会有烦恼。。

我不爱读书，但是我希望拿好成绩。。应为每当看到好成绩，我都很满足。。如果有机会，我真得很想在读书，过学生生涯。唯一条件，钱不是一个问题。

一起奋斗。。

2007-10-03T07:41:00.000-07:00

时间过得很快，卷眼间一个月过出了。岁月不留人，我也慢慢得跟上城市的步伐。。面对赛车是难免的事，而这个月的交通更难以预测。我只好早一点出门，希望不会迟到。今天从家出门到巴生，也用了一个半小时，才到达目的地。我不知道教这堂课是否因该，因为实在太远了。我无法集中精神，我觉得很惭愧。。。都是为了目标。

人当然是为了钱才工作，我不敢说我是为了兴趣。如果有兴趣没钱，我相信我不会接受这份工。其实呀，我已很幸运了，工作时间短，人工还算不错。给自己设定的目标，一个月已经可以实现了。虽然白天真得很无聊，我也逼着自己在家自修，希望我会进步。那下一个目标，就是希望白天能找到一份工，赚多一点钱。

虽然开始有点迷了方向，不知道如何踏入社会，但是我慢慢的找回了那感觉。我知道前面的路还是很遥远，但是我不是一个人在努力，身边还有许许多多的人一起走，如果我停了下来，时间不会等我，而我也不想等我回来的人失望。从世界看回我自己，我是那么的渺小。但是这世上没有另一个我，而我是那么的不渺小在别人的心目中。

表姐结婚了，九月二十九日

2007-10-01T07:32:00.000-07:00

今天是大好日子，好多人结婚呀！而每一个人都希望在好日子结婚，其实这是很重要吗？我相信这大多数是父母亲的意识吧！而年轻人都不大在意这一些东西，重要的是两个人的感情和默契。这是我个人意见。。。

表姐比我大一年，(那相信明年快到我吧！嘻嘻！）我们从小的感情都可以啦，不是说太要好。给我的感觉他很乖，很孝训父母，满可爱的一个女生。小时候我是这么想的，这么乖的女生，因该不会这么早结婚，不回比我快的。因为我比她坏。哈哈。。事实并非如此。二十八也是结婚年龄了，对女生来说，是时候进入人生的第二段。

一大早到了表姐的家，亲戚朋友也陆陆续续的到来。我上了表姐的房间和他拍照，聊聊天，也默默的等新郎子来。等了两个小时，终于来了。姐妹们玩得好开心，收了大红包，就让新郎子进来。这一次我没有参与玩兄弟，可能都与其他姐妹不熟，那份感觉还怪怪的。拜神，给茶仪式完了过后，我上了一辆兄弟车，准备陪嫁。其实那天是多热，我脸也快烧掉了。

到了男家，我也没待很久就离开了。整个过程我觉得很累，很辛苦。想像如果这是我的婚礼，给别人这种感觉，我会很难过。

我的第一堂课

2007-09-26T08:48:00.000-07:00

都是因为wifi出了点问题所以都无法在自己的房间上网。今晚我开始教课了。那种兴奋，又紧张的感觉又卷土重来。我忧虑了两天，担心自己无法应付，必尽我也休息了好几个月了，因该说大半年了。功课做好，收拾心情，就带着“好吧！此中有第一次”出门了。驾了一个半小时的车程，终于到了。这都是因为太塞车了，我那无奈的心情，只好慢慢的平复下来。我把我准备好的功课带上场，很快的就完成了一个小时的瑜伽课。我也放松了。。。

下课了，和好几个学生cum朋友聊聊我在纽西兰的生活，也说说我回来的打算。过后也和老板谈谈,下个星期的时间。九点钟离开了，那顺畅的公路让我很快的就到家去。多好！！

???

2007-09-17T01:22:00.000-07:00

自古以来，人都会有疑问。。。疑问关于这个世界。。。关于邻居的笨猫。。。关于我们如何从妈妈的肚子里跑出来。。。但很奇怪的就是无论我们有多少的疑问。。。我们就是无法找到能解答疑问的答案。。。究竟为什么呢？是不是因为我们所问的都不是正确问题呢？所以得不到满意的答案。疑问，总是一个谜，疑问总是挂上一个问号（？）

我都不坚强。。。

2007-09-16T21:25:00.000-07:00

从小到大，我都不觉得自己是一个坚强的人。不知道这和爱哭有关嘛，坚强的人是不爱哭的。我以为我会学会坚强些如果能够体会一个人在外国的生活，事实并不如此。最近在生活中也好像迷失了方向，不知道从何下手。蛮懒惰的提起那份劲去找工作，想做一点点
小生意，也怀疑自己的能力。要坚强的在这城市生活，实在是不容易。我只有小小的决心告诉自己要努力，继续向前走，做什么都好，只要有家人的陪伴，他的支持与鼓励，我一定会有出路的。

信念倒退了，人也没信心了。还得慢慢一步一步来吧。。

p/s：不能再三心两意，对不起令你都不知所措。

朋友聚会（九月十二日）

2007-09-13T04:43:00.000-07:00

这是我第一次和老朋友聚会自从从纽西兰回来。地点是69咖啡馆，晚上8.30pm。大家从来不大准时，有的早来，也有的迟到。但也可体谅的，放了工也要面对大塞车，这都是大城市的生活。

七个月已没见面了，大家还是老样子。没什么不同的，那份老朋友的友情，还是存在的。我们在咖啡厅里，无所不谈，从男友，工作到别人的闲话，每个都滔滔不绝。我们大声说，大声笑，引人注目。有时候说到一些话题，比如说与男友的情史，可能会有一两个朋友会有不耐烦的表情，我们也不长篇大论，赶快转个话题，让大家有个参与感。

虽然每一次要搞聚会是那么的困难，因为不是这个忙，就是那个不得空。有时候真得很灰心，不想约了，让他们自动献身吧。不过在聊天的时候，那份浓浓的友情，熟悉的脸孔，与笑声，让我经不起想起我们中学时代的点点滴滴。人生有几个老/好的朋友，也说难得了吧！

盼望下次的聚会吧！

是一时的冲动吗？

2007-09-12T00:31:00.000-07:00

“你不要冲动”，“你别冲动”这可能都是我们日常听到的词句。当你做了一个决定时，有否问过自己，到底我是冲动吗？到底冲动是什么？

根据中文词典，冲动是没经过细思考的情绪或行动。所以，当你做了一个冲动的决定时，你必会后悔。相反的，冲动的反义词是冷静。那冷静的决定就一定不会后悔。我倒觉得这一句话不能用在每一个人的身上，应为有些人都需要活在当时才能做出一些的决定。反而思考得太多或太久，这会带来精神上的压力。每个人总有自己的一套，在我做任何的决定时，我都会思考过、哪我有何为冲动呢？只是我的想法或考虑的因素和你一样吗？

所以别再说是一时冲动了。。。

我是。。。

2007-09-10T09:34:00.000-07:00

二十一世纪，每个人都应该有一个属于自己的私房。而在这科技世纪里，几乎每个人都拥有自己的部落个，我，其实也想拥有一个空间把生活的点点滴滴，记载下来。不过最大的推动力是要把我的中文学好，所以才这么的积极。我是一个华校生，华语程度只到六年级，可说是半桶水。从小对华文不感兴趣，但最近慢慢地爱上用中文与别人谈天。真的要好好地谢谢那个陪我谈天的人。我不爱写作，可能我不善于表达吧。所以每次看到别人的文章都有好羡慕的感觉。这一次可算是我的处女作吧！

”外钢内柔“我想，这四个字满贴心的形容我自己。内心脆落，其实我也蛮爱哭的。妈妈说，当我小时候，他们做出“咩咩“声我就哭了。长大以后，哭对我来说是一种抒发情绪的方法。我也是一个感情丰富的人，有时候也太感情用事。不顾后果就凭感觉做，因为我是我。这中性格也太固疾吧！我不想想太多别人的感受，因为这样太辛苦了。这算是自私吗？这是自我保护吧！但是，我还是会良心发现，顾及别人的感受。矛盾。。。我介意别人怎么看我，这无形中给自己好大的压力。是要把自己做得最好，对自己，对别人一个交待。我想因为这样，我是做得不够好。我喜欢别人的赞美，欣赏。所以我喜欢跳舞，只有在舞台上我能豪放的展现自我。可能从小我就习惯了站在台上，唱歌，跳舞。我不能成为一个表演者是一个遗憾。

我现在拥有一个温馨的家，一个对我好好的人，一群好朋友。欠缺了一份工作，生活还不算完美。但比起其他人，我也蛮满足了。再多几个月，希望会有转变。明天会更好！！